My Mother's Legacy

I am feeling completely moved right now. So I am here...with no real direction. Just some raw emotion. Some bittersweet memories and some time. I listened to a cover of Miranda Lambert's song The House That Built Me sung by a very special girl from my hometown in Illinois. My childhood was incredible. No fences...no fast food restaurants... Just miles of land, animals, and opportunity to explore the real meaning of life. I learned to use my imagination. I was not stripped of my innocence through the pressure to live up to anyone's idea of smart or pretty. No crazy test that defined my intelligence or pageant to assure me that I was pretty enough. I am 23 years old and have always felt grateful to have a selfless mother who is willing to help anyone..but tonight... I have had a realization. My mother didn't have a dream of fame or fortune. She didn't desire to be better than anyone or prove her self worth through material things.. she simply wanted us to to feel the safe and loved feeling that she had missed out on for so many years. I understand the intensity of her dream now. I understand bc there is a sweet baby boy asleep in the next room and ALL i want is to provide him with safety & the knowledge to really feel and appreciate his life. I want him to experience the kind of joy that my mother made sure we had. She could have felt sorry for herself. She could have settled for her current comfort zone. But she didn't. She refused to give us anything less than security and her complete faith in us. My mother has never EVER doubted me. Not for one second. She has allowed me to fall straight on my butt, to learn. Yet she has never once made me truly feel as though anything was out of my reach. She has given me the knowledge of passion and purpose and financial security and I completely trust her word. When I listen to The house that built me I just bawl like a baby. It takes me back to homemade jams and swimming in the pond, the fish fry and Rockridge football games. I love that small town. There are no words to describe the overwhelming emotion I get when I tap into those memories. Everything was so pure. The way the creek ran so perfectly under the bridge every morning as I waited for the bus. And Gramps on his riding lawnmower mowing the big hill and Jenny at the bottem of her driveway with gardening gloves on throwing gravel out of her grass. I had a home. My childhood has given me an amazing sense of fulfillment. I didnt realize as I was running free through my woods and sledding down the hill that I would spend my entire life on a mission to create those exact feelings for my own children. Which of coarse they won't realize until they are much older... but I suppose that is life :) and besides when they realize they will be ready to share with their own children... which reminds me of a quote a dear friend posted on fb recently...that seems quite fitting,
"What makes greatness is starting something that lives after you"
I hope I do my mother's legacy justice.

Me on Homeschooling!

I am extremely passionate about my choice to homeschool. To me it is make or break for Emery's (and the rest of my children's) future. I believe they are individuals with unique qualities and it is that in which they will find their passion and purpose. Sending my child to a school (ESPECIALLY FLORIDA SCHOOLS) Where people are making them feel as though they are only worth something If they can pass a test... well it makes me absolutely sick. To think of my children feeling inadequate because they don't read as well as Suzy Q or didn't score as high as Jimmy on the FCAT... makes me want to cry. My children will be allowed to pursue whatever they are passionate about and there is NO GRADE to put on passion. To be happy, purposeful, and passionate we must constantly enlighten and empower our bodies, minds, and souls. School is becoming a place where children are pressured to memorize, memorize, memorize. As though they are factory workers. As though If they do not know how to memorize numbers and letters they will not have "success" in their life. Schools have less recess, music, and art time (IF ANY!) That is disturbing to me. We are so afraid of our children learning about sex early but we begin robbing them of their innocence the minute they begin school and we tell them they have to FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. Of coarse they don't want to focus on that lame curriculum that is teaching every child to be exactly the same. AND IT DOESNT WORK! BC THESE CHILDREN ARE DIFFERENT! They are not allowed to explore their minds and imaginations. They have to be prepared for FCAT and If they are not than we believe our children have ADD. ITS NOT ADD IT IS BEING BORED!!!!! When I was little I wanted to be in my imagination world all day. I didn't want to be interupted from my belief that I could do anything I could imagine. We are doing just that to our children. We are making them believe that the possibilities are limited by their scores. I meet so many people who are still in and OUT of school and they have no clue what they want to do with their life. This is because parents and teachers are too busy cramming fast paced curriculums and the idea that grades are the only thing that matter in the big picture of life. We should be fostering a deep relationship with our child's mind and imagination! I see people in college changing their major, driven and motivated high schoolers with perfect grades just choosing a path that will seemingly work for them bc "have the grades to do it" or have no clue what else they could do. This does not equal happiness. This does not equal fulfillment. This does not equal passion & purpose. This is just a way of society judging each other. When someone brags about their children's grades or the college they got accepted to..I think it is great that they have stayed motivated through the rigorous process of weeding out the children who don't memorize well or care to put their energy into test scores and an idea that this is success. HOWEVER...I recognize that this has nothing to do with their peace of mind and desire to obtain mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual fulfillment. AND THOSE ARE THE ONLY WAY TO TRUE HAPPINESS. I do hope my children are passionate about reading and writing. I do hope they take pride in being intellectual beings. I especially hope that they believe they can do anything they set their mind to and I know and admire many teachers and parents in their efforts to educate children. I also know it is a ladder and teachers and being forced to teach specific curriculums and that their pay is even being based off of test results. I do not agree with any of this nor do I want to subject my family to the political aspect of it. My plan is to instill in my children a desire to grow as an individual on a daily basis. I will do this through creative teaching and my children will spend countless hours exploring nature, sports, music, books.. My "HOMESCHOOLING" will be 24/7. Not a sit in a desk and stare at a paper for hours memorizing something that will be forgotten in a week.

I hope I don't seem extremely pessimistic about this lol Just extremely passionate. I want my children to feel on the deepest level of existence. This means more to me than any trophy, certificate, grade, or test score. I want them to experience life for all that it is worth and never be afraid that they don't "have what it takes."
I really suggest Resa Steindel Brown's book, "The Call to Brilliance" It is an eye opener and has taught me SOOOOOO MANY THINGS and I am only on the 3rd chapter :))))

Perception is Reality.

"Perception is reality!"
A history teacher of mine repeated this line over and over and over. Not one time did It ever occur to me that this statement was so true and so real that I would live my life by it. So many times in my life have I felt victimized. So many times have I felt intentionally attacked. I have allowed myself to feel guilt and resentment. I have caused a significant amount of pain to undeserving people because I was insecure. All because my perception, of the events taking place and the people that surrounded me, was weak. My mother invested all that she had into building me my dream (a cheerleading gym) and I was only 16 years old! She believed in me! and that is a small example of how much she has believed in me. Yet I doubted my capability to be committed to anyone or anything. My perception of myself was that I needed much more than I truly did. I believed I was a lost traveler and I even got a tattoo between my shoulder blades that says, "undefined" To me I was undefined. To me I wasn't anything or anyone.... I didn't want to conform to society's idea of success or life. One of the most important lessons I have learned in my life is that the perception we choose to be our reality is...just that.. A CHOICE! When I chose to define my life and my perception of what is real and right... I awakened something deep within myself. All of the moments I thought were so awful I see clearly as lessons learned. If someone said something hurtful to me I would take it personally. I would begin wrapping my feelings and beliefs around their words. Now that my perception is not focused soley on myself being victimized I can see that these people and the situations were brought about by other POOR PERCEPTIONS. Rather than boo hooing over someones opinion of me I focus on how I can teach people to see that people cause pain on others because they are fearful. Their perception of love, life, and people is fogged over by negativity and THAT is a much worse than someone's words. The feelings of insecurity that people have when attempting to build themself up by bringing others down is sickening. I know because I have done it. It is much worse than being insulted. Your perception is yours. You can allow it to control you or you can control it! I choose to perceive my life as a positive example. I set that as my standard. I will not contradict or spread nasty things if I disagree because I know that a disagreement is a mere conflict of communication. I set my standards for how I will act and react. I set my standards for the words I will use and not use. My life is my legacy. I honor the set of standards that I hold for myself and regardless If anyone believes I am coo coo or not as informed as I should be or any other disagreement.... I will not lose my perception of my reality. My reality is a WONDERFUL place. It is full of people with emotions who are waiting to pour them out. It is full of secrets dying to be discovered. It is overflowing with grateful people who are open minded to living inside of their own positive perception. I have created an unbreakable perception. One that no satan can enter and no super religious person can make me feel wrong for. My positive perception has been with me hand in hand in creating a reality that is full of real joy and love! I encourage you to define your perception of your life, your standards, your values, and your morals. Decide what reality you want to create. Don't ever compromise your perception. Don't let someone make you believe that you are not worth something...that you were fired because you suck, that you were broken up with because you're not good enough, that you are a failure. If they are lacking in communicating their expectations of you or doubting you than you must accept that this is a step in a new direction and embrace it! Imagine this.... two people have cancer. One feels victimized and that his life is over. He accepts that his life is over and is ready to go. The other sees this as his golden opportunity to live life to its fullest. To completely get 100% healthy and show this disease that it doesnt own his body! 2 men.....same situation....2 different perceptions. I want to be man number 2 in all that I do. Because we only have one life... and as Jason Mraz quoted, "We are not here for a long time, just for a good time!" :)

The Crossroad.

I have noticed a pattern in my life. It is something along the lines of... I am climbing a mountain. Higher and higher. Eating, sleeping, and breathing the intensity of the journey my climb has put me on. I live for it. I focus all of my energy into it.. and then I am at the top. Then comes the part where I reach a height that puts me in the position to make a decision. A now or never decision. I can A.) Leap from this mountain unknown to what is awaiting me at the bottom or I can B.) Accept that I have reached my destination and attempt to stay at it. Only I have come to learn that each time I have chosen to be complacent in my destination.. I tumble straight down the mountain just to find myself in the same position of wanting to REACH higher. In my 23 years I have found that to exist beyond the material mindset of "keeping up with the Joneses" we must allow our minds to be consumed by the feelings "the climb" gives us and once we reach the top...LEAP! Life is ever changing. We dig to discover meaning..we find happiness.. we feel fulfilled BUT we must continuously reach higher. The crossroad comes when we have seemingly outdone our self. When we have overcome a fear or aaccomplished something that we felt was out of reach. As quickly as we have obtained these spiritual, mental and emotional riches we can lose them by choosing to believe that we can go no higher. The negative feelings come when we feel we have gone as far as we can go and that our efforts were enough to last a life time and that our current circumstances own us. The truth of the matter is that nobody defines how far anyone may go. We choose this distance. We decide to give in and believe, "this is it." and we decide to take that LEAP and discover deeper meaning with each moment and each person. On multiple occasions in my life I have let someone else tell me that I had reached my peak. I allowed their thoughts and fears to mold my dedication to what I wanted. I believed the "this is it" mindset. I realized that these moments are my crossroads. These moments are the deciding factor to what is ahead of me. If I don't leap when it is seemingly questionable than I am passing up the opportunity to open new doors and to reach a new level of enlightenment. I made a promise to myself when I was pregnant with Emery. I would know longer have a complacent mindset. I would continuously set new goals. BUST MY ASS to reach them and then set more! No longer will I go backwards. I refuse to start from the bottom again. It is nothing but up from here! I will make conscious decisions concerning my spirituality,wealth, and physical, mental, spiritual, & emotional health. These decisions will to go beyond what I am told. These decisions will be based off of my intentions to teach my children to live passionately and purposefully. My new mindset is that my life is much like a triathlon. I will climb.. I will leap... and then I will swim..and then i will run and then I will bike AND I WILL NEVER EVER STOP pushing the limits of my mind, body, and soul! :)


One of my most recent crossroads:
1.) Shop & eat as always due to cost or bite the bullet and spend whatever it takes to eat healthy,organic, and toxin free.
CHOICE- Bite the bullet. I thought I would feel as though we were missing out by not having as much money. I was wrong. We work harder. We make more to be able to stay healthy and save and spend a little too! It is funny how we have the ability to create pathways and make things work when we make that decision to truly go all out for it!!!

When in doubt GO FOR IT! (as long as your intentions are good but that is a different blog on a different night ;)